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Why Captain America Must Die

Hello internet friends,

Sorry in advance if this post is riddled with typos. I’m typing this whole thing on my phone one-handed while driving in the rain. If you want to be “technical,” I’m in a high-speed pursuit. And yeah, I’m the one being chased, but if you think about it like a race, that means I’m winning.

Anyway, none of that really matters right now. Forget I mentioned it.

I just wanted to take a quick second to explain something that’s been on my mind lately. Obviously, the latest trailer for the triumphant finale of this stage of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, “Avengers: Endgame” dropped a few days ago. And this got me to thinking... Who lives? Who dies? Who cares?

Spoilers ahead. If you haven’t watched the accumulative 8,000 hours worth of Marvel canon yet, well, what even is your life? Do it now before Disney yoinks it off Netflix!

Lots of people are debating who, if anybody, survives this newest film. There is a non-zero chance that Marvel sends up the world’s greatest surprise and everybody dies, and the newest Spider Man trailer was all just part of an expensive and elaborate hoax.

Maybe. I mean, Marvel already has Fuck-you money, and when you have that much dough, it’s hard not to screw with people.

However, assuming that Marvel studios still has some creative integrity, which I do because I’ll assume anything, one can draw a single clear conclusion:

Captain America must die.


Two reasons.


Captain America’s story arc is over.

What is Captain America’s story? He was a scrawny kid from Brooklyn who wanted to help make the world a better place. He did that. He sacrificed almost everything to defeat the super-Nazi’s in World War 2. He was finished. His story was complete. He killed a skeleton. He stole a space ship. He went to the North Pole. The end.

But then he was brought back. Nick Fury needed him to return and defend a world he didn’t belong to. Cap saw himself becoming warped into a tool for a government he didn’t even know. He realized that he was a weapon, and then he learned that he was working for an agency heavily infected by the same super-Nazi’s he thought he’d finished.

Caperica is out of place in this new universe. He knows he wants to do good, but at the end of the day, all he is now is a soldier in search of a war. He has no family, no country, no real purpose beyond fighting, and with Thanos, he has the greatest fight imaginable. What’s he supposed to do after Thanos is gone? Go back to punching dumb boring old regular Nazi's?

This is the last best chance to give him the fitting end he deserves, which is convenient because...


Somebody must die in this movie.

Let’s face it, this is the real reason Avengers: Endgame is so important. It has to set the stakes for the other seventy-billion movies in the universe. So far, the world has been threatened so many times that the Avengers don’t even bother calling each other for backup over every little apocalypse.

With one minor exception, none of the Avengers have ever died. Except for Loki, for whom death is literally irrelevant. Does anyone care when he dies in his movies anymore? (Judging from the fact that Disney has already announced that Tom Hiddleston will be reprising the role in a canonical television series spinoff, I’m thinking no.)

That’s my point. If death isn’t real, if there’s zero chance for a sad ending, then the ride loses all emotional impact.

This is the ultimate Marvel story, years and years in the making, and if nobody dies at the end of this, then we know that all threats from here on out are nothing but bluffs.

This must have a sad ending for at least one person. Only then can the fans look at everybody who didn’t die and say, “Wow, the heroes are mortal. Anything can happen.”

If Marvel loses their edge and nobody dies, then what’s even the point? If there’s no real threat of death, then who even cares? It’s like paying to watch a boxer who only fights cardboard cutouts of Mother Teresa. Of course he’s going to win, because he can’t lose.

This is Marvel’s make-or-break moment to show us that the stakes are real. Don’t be afraid to kill off a beloved character and make it permanent. We’re all counting on you.

Anyway, I just thought I’d pop in and air these thoughts, because there’s a good chance I won’t be able to see the movie. I’m now officially out of gas, and the the vehicles behind me are closing in, and the things driving those vehicles hate me.

If anybody sees Jack, please tell him I’m sorry I stole his car and phone and that I accidentally broke his computer against the side of a demon’s face. (He’ll know what that means.)

Later, gaters.



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Mar 29, 2019

what if jerry is possessing his replacement body I mean he was already targeted

Mar 28, 2019

@gasstationJerry I can't believe you got your body back. Also, care to tell us how a disintegrating disembodied head GAIN ITS LIFE BACK?


Eryk Bialy
Eryk Bialy
Mar 27, 2019

@JP right on my dude, but hey got me a new story to read now, is this it or is there more?


Mar 27, 2019

Hey Jerry! who's your favorite Marvel hero? (asking for a friend, certainly not for reasons involving pencils)


Mar 26, 2019

I remember that. I only see a Jeremy though. If the old lady was named Mrs. Sistrunk we'd be in business.

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